I he;p another addict every day , I donate to charity every day even if its just calling the gratitude hotline 1-800-501-5029 its free you leave a message and call it donates a dollar to a food charity, i give selflessly of myself to others i pray to God every day to watch over my friends and family now I pray with my boyfriend too every day its better to pray together:)

This memory is one of my hardest. I wake up still alittle drunk from when /Eric left me to go fight his friend. It is dark and it was morning when i went to slep. the date is October 24, 2005 and I get out of bed. i take my drugs benzodiazepams and call in my prescription for more. I take a shot of Jack. I decide Im going to make Eric dinner we just went to the health food store and got the fixings for a tempeh stir fry. I make it and fix a plate and wonde where the hell is my fiance. So i call my phone which he has it goes straight to voicemail. Erics grandma calls and I tell her Im worried so she gives me dianes number thats his mom att work. I make the phone call. I ask where arec the boys  they never came home she tells me to sit down then tells me Eric overdosed on heroin and is in the hospital She did not say how bad. i figured they shot him up with narcane and he was fine so I leave the house and first stop is the pharmacy because I really need like 3 klonopins right now. I take another shot and find the hospital. I run in hysterical and they tell me Im not allowd to see him. I go outside and his stepdad is smoking a cig I ask him whats going on he tells me he doesnt have to deal with this rigght now but i beg him .He tells me Eric was dead in a burger King bathroom for 10 minutes they busted down the door but ghe is in a coma and on a breathing machine and will probably be a vegetable I run back in the hospital hysterical again they wont let me see him I tell them I am going to run my car into a tree they admit me for suicidal thoughts. I try to leave because this is getting me nowhere but a security guard tries to stop me so i start fighting him hard and they give me a shot of haldol before i lose conxciousness the man calls down to see hoew eric is and he tells nme he is the same but I can see by the look on his face hes not then I drift into ythe bliss of unconciousness............to be continued

Im usually alone even with my boyfriend in the house. My family doesnt want to talk to me even though for the first time in  my life Im doing good staying clean fighting my disease. I guess when Im around people Im not afraid to talk even though some of the shit that comes out of my mouth shocks people. It just amazes me Ive been a druggie for 16 years how hard it is to talk to people sober. I dont know any like minded people around here thats why I vent on zaadz and get help here. i like being around others for companionship it gets lonely in a world of books and prayer. But Im never alone because God is with me. I like to socialize I used to be a social butterfly but that all changed when i stopped drinking. People dont know howw to take  me because i talk from my heart anmd Im not ashamed of the lessons I have learned in my life. I need to find others to hang out with.

I just got done detoxing heroin for the first time  it was awful. I got so sick that the rehab had to send me to the emergrncy room I was 95 pounds and smelled all the heroin coming out of me. I had had a 40 bag a day habit. I never thought I was a drug addict because drugs were my life i kept telling these AA people that if I wanted to drink and eat valium I was gonna because I just wanted to detox heroin and i was never going to go do that shit again.Laying on the emergency room stretcher with a saline bag IV in my arm I smelled the moldy smelling smell of pure heroin coming out of me. I could feel my bones and my stomach was eating my muscles the doctor told me. He was  a kind doctor I begged him for anoyher bag of nutrients as I was starved and severely dehydrated. i got it and I jsut lay there thinking what did i do to myself. Of course that wouldnt stop me from using again but I felt so physically free when I left that hospital. I had been in Florida dfor ten ddays and when i stepped out of that hospital i finally felt warm enough to take my hoodie off. It was amazing how good i felt with no chemicalls in  my body I should have remembered that the next time i relapsed because Im still detoxing methadone but that part of my life will all be over in 7 days fom today I start a rapid detox and i get closer and closer to my goal of being chemicL FREE!!

I wake up and my eyelids are heavy. I look around for a nurse or someone and I see an older heavyset lady who looks like shes seen a lot. I tell her Im on medication and I need it I tell her an extra medicine Im not on so I can go back to sleep Im hoping Eric is awake and we can put this whole mess behind us and start over.The doctor and a nurse and a real serious looking lady ask me to come with them we enter a small room ands  i guess im pretty fucked up on meds and i say" isnt this where they bring you to tell you someone ....." ansd I fell to the floor crying uncontrollably i wish i was dead with him it  feels like nothing is ever gonna be okay again I feel utterly hopelless and so fucking alone. I talk to the nurse about Eric. Im not allowed out until someone signs me out and Eric's mom thinks it is my fault which it is because had i not been drinking he would have never wanted to beat the guy up and I knew he had needles and I didnt make him thriw them away he just picked up money for me off the wire an d hes dead. I have one friend and he cant come right away because hes with the family getting shit faced drunk so I do the thing I hate the most , I wait  I feel like im in hell how am i going to face tghe world?

I awsoake in the hospital. this is not the first time but I hope it will be my last time. I drank a pint of JB asome one and ate avbout 25 xanax bars last night yes i wish i had succedded in killing myself the doctor comes in He tells me" I think this tinme your gonna be awhile Im gonna take your case to court to keep you here" I immediatly flip out he tells me he thinks I have ADHD and wants to try a new medicineso Im cool with that Each day i feel a bit better By the fifth day I feel so good I wonder why the hell Im in here and why Im fuckin u my life like this I mean this may be my chance to reach enlightenment or something who knows whats gonna gappen By the 8th day Im stoked because I got myself enrolled in school for the semester and oh my God i finally know why i could never think like a normal person.....my brain is wired wrongly but its all good btween that and the drugs ive ingested there must be something really wrong up there. Now its been 3 months I went to AA regularly for 2 months but I stopped I have no car and live an hour away from the people i met but ive never been stronger theres this cool webpage in my life i get to be me and tell the truth and people like me!!Whats not to like, Im helpful, caring, a healer and a giver I practice Universl Law and life just keeps gettin better

I dont remember my dreams at night but my daydreams are affecting my reality i try to release all negative thought and with that emotion and slowly pull mydself into alignment with the Source and then I know everuything ios ok if  i think awesome thoughts i cant go wrong the Universe says so!!:)

Everyone who reads this web page is attracted here for some reason and all of you who have helped and are helping me were sent by the divine Soudrce because I needed it and zaadz truly makes me feel alive and Ii can be honest and be myself I see it as my journey A lot worse could have happened to m,e well actually probably the only thing that didnt happen is me staying dead or committing suicide but I feel better now I have friends here who care and I was put in contact with two old school friends I havent seen since way before my addiction took control but its not in control of me anymore I control it Im the only one who can pick up that drink or drug so Im the only one to fix this My life experience showed me I want to help the less fortuanate and abused women and addicts Ill do that through counseling or Psychology plus when i win a million dollars I will open a safe house for women cant divulge into that too much itd be too private but I will dedicate my life to helping others following my first instinct and be a vesel for whom God can work his miracles through me I would be true bliss then and I cant imagine a feeling more blissful then i feel when im connected to my Source I love you all mad love

I DID NOT POST THESE BLOGS TO GET SYMPATHY OR ANYTHING I JUST WANT COMMENTS ON ,MY WRITING LIKE WHAT SHOULD OR COULD I DO BETTER DESCRIBING AND I DONT NEED COMMENTS ON WHERE IVE BEEN BECAUSE IM HERE NOW AND SAFE AND TRULY LOVED AND BLESSED BUT AS YOUI SEE MY EXPERIENCES CAN HELP ANOTHER ADDICT WHAT DOOES ANYONE THINK ABOUT DOING THIRTY DAYS OF MY RECOVERY WITH 30 MEMORIES OF MY LIFE MAYBE THATYLL BE LIKE NIGHT AND DAY HELL AND HEAVEN THERE AND BACK I DONT KNOW IM STILL JUSTR TRYIN TO GET THE MEMORIES OUT THAT CHANGED MY LIFE AND SHOW OTHERS HOW I DOID IT THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUPPORT I NEED ALL THE FRIENDS I CAN GET RIGHT NOW BUT BEING HERE EMPOWERS ME I GET THESE MEMORIES OUT AND IM NOT SO SICK BECAUSE IVE VENTED ITS ALL HEALING WORK AND BELIEVE ME I AM HEALING SLOWLY AND SURELY A LITTLE EACH DAY I LOVE YOU ALL BUT DO NOT PITY ME FOR I AM A POSITIVE EMPOWERED BEAUTIFUL GODDESS WHO HAD TO EXPERIENCE SOME HELL TO LEARN IMPORTANT LESSONS OF HUMILITY FAITH LOVE AND POSITIVITY IN FACT I DID A FULL CIRCLE AND AM BACK AHERE I NEED TO BE EVRYTHING ELSECOMES IN TOIME THANKS AGAIN ZAADSTERS

I USED TO YOU CARE A WHOLE LOT I MEAN I LIVED MY LIFE FOR OTHERS BUT TODAY i CARE THAT THEY KNOW IM NOT A BAD PERSON BUT AS FOR HOW THEY PERCEIVE ME THATS THEIR BUSINESS BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FREE TO LIVE THE WAY WE PLEASE SURE I AM REAL HONEST SOMETIMES RTOO HONEST AND PEOPLE DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE ME AT FIRST BUT THEN THEY REALIZE IM EXTRA SAFE FRIENDLY AND FUNNY SO THEY HAVE TO LOVE ME. BUT I DONT LIKE WHEN SOMEONE DOESNT LIKE ME I FEEL LIKE I HAVE YO MAKE THEM LIKE ME WHO KNOWS? YOU ARE WHO ARE AND PEOPLE CHANGEW CONSTANTLY I ONLY CARE WHAT GOD THINKS OF ME AND HE MUST THINK IM OK BECAUSE MY LIFEE IS PERFECT

AS Y I CANT TYPE YET GOTTA LEARN YOU ALL KNOW IM ADHD SO IF I WRITE IN CAPS IT JUST HELPS ME NOT MAKE MISTAKESI JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO TAKES A MINUTE TO READ AND COMMENT ON MY WRITING AND ASK IF A SET UP OF 30 DAYS OF RECOVERY ALONG WITH 30 MEMORIES AND POEMS LIKE A JOURNAL ENTRY THEN A MEMORY WITH THE CHAPTER STARTING WITH A POEM WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA FOR A BOOK BECAUSE I HAVE HAD A LOT GO ON AND I CANT ADD IT TO THE BOOK WITHOUT STARTING AT THE BEGINNING WHICH WOULD MAKE ME WRITE A BOOK LIKE WAR AND PEACE LOL! SERIOUSLY WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ AS A MEMOIR NO FICTION INVOLVED JUST RAW EMOTION?

Istand up for myself cause someone has to root for the underdog. LOL:) No really I stand for God I am a vessel for which Hecan work through. I prayed hed put people to help in my way and yesterdday I helped an older guy take a train and  bus to his dead God put him in my path mother he was hitchhiking. He wanted to pay me back but I told him to donate to cgharity. I stand up for my rights as an addict to get help Ineed and I help others every day I am a giver an Allower! I stand for manifesting mny own destiny and doing the next right thing for someone else

 Today i am feeling much pain from my accident 9 days ago yeaterday it was my head if i focus too hard it pounds today its my neck and back but i need to record that i could have gotten an iv full of opiates but after they put the iv in me twice and i sa all the blood i freaked no opiates i cant fall into that trap though i crave the sweet release of the  pain and tension i deal with it so that its merrely an irritating ache using homeopathics, chiropractor and self love i will get through this with God's help not the help of drugs.

today i would like to learn patience and how to nurture myself. i would like to finish my two paapers and study for my finals I would like to learn to remain happy and positive all daay

If I were exiled Id move to costa rica where the motto is Pura Vida = Pure life its beautiful magical and all my problems float away maybe i will get there someday and be an author surfer and sunset lover it has alway been my greatest wish to live in costa Rica and someday i will do that probaly within 10 years after school of course id need to know spanish to do my job but there are plant healers everyehere and i do crafts and i plan to write a bestseller someday so my dream will come true the USA is a big struggle and rat race even though we are free here i fell more free in costa Pura vida people

i asked Gd to be his vessel to help other people becaue it makes me feel good i can do that by donating time and money to charity , talking to addicts, writing my book so people will read my horror story and i may sve someone its worth a try many people need help i give 10% o charity even if i need it because somewhere someone is not eating or is being abused i also use plants in all ways to heal including aromatherapy and i use color my meditation room is gold and thats my study area my liing room is garnet im not sure if were staying so i dont want to paint the bedroom green its huge i already messed up the paint oh well well see what happens and i hope this apt works out cause i feel like its a home nd i dont often feel that way so yeah helping others with anything makes me feel good and important and loved by god cause he puts these peopl in my path God Bless you all for reading and being my friends

I cant seem to overcome the negativityin  my life with my boyfriend if i dont want to get close to him he automatically wants to break up im tired of arguing with  him GO! and save me the headac he thinks if i dont want a hug that  i no longer love him not true but im not gonna keep chasing him itut i dont love the way he acys sometimes hell at this point im nightmare because i do love him b burns my energy i was a lloner for years and then he moved in with me and now i sleep at night and he sleeps all  day its an iinconvenience and he doesnt get anything from my point of view i dont know what to do or if i even care anymore this is emotional numbing from PTSD i wish i could feel good

i would have to say the last real meal i had was months ago i had a steak dinner with all the fixings it was great and i rarely eat meat but i am getting so tiny from my meds i got to eat you reminded me to treat myself

We are all here for the purpose of helping others and we should do that if we can im looking for chakra healers, energy heaalers and pain management im also clueless on how o medditate my ADHD wont allow me to sit still and my thoughts are racing but all good things in all good time its a great day alittlee cold but im not in as much pain and people are helping me through it thanks guys

i dont know how i did i could tell you my psycholgy teachers answer but my first memory is of God I dont know why He is always with me I held strong to my faith through hard times and i guess he taught me to think

It was a real test for me to get hit in the head in a car accident with the 50 lb backseat of my van because im addicted to pain meds i took the excruciating pain for 13 days then i wenr to ER they gave me heavy pain meds and i got high and my pain didnt disappear but i didnt like the high so i threw out the pain meds they gave me and for the first time in two weks i feel much better im glad i didnt seek meds until the pain got too bad and i have to do pain management  and get an MRI and see my chiropractor this is all too much i have exams this whole week well three on monday so ive gotta focus my brain but it doesnt hurt today so i feel great

i believe that love prevails love conquers all if people werent so cruel and bitter and just practiced love with random acts of kindness and  giving to those in need our world would be a lot better place. We as human beings have trust issues and need to see the good in people show each other some real love and take care of each other thats what were supposed to do people are hungry yet others are ungrateful they dont have a new car but they eat right? Well some people dont. im a broke college student and i give 105 to charity to show my love for the world I also help anyone i can because we are supposed to treat others as we want to be treated so why dont we do that?

Im definitly affected more by my emotions i have PTSD and any little thing will be a major catastrophe for me Im learning to change my emotion frequency to be more aligned with my higher self aand it is working I feel anger instead of hopelessness and irritated instead of angry more and more i feel compete joy in my life thru all the hardships i dont listen to reason im emotion i act on it and pay the consequences later def something i want to change

I got my A in psychology or a very high B but i think an A Ive got a major final in 3 hours but i gotta do my morning calming with zaadz Today determines if i keep my A in Religions i bet I do and then I have 2 tests and a paper due monday then Im free for a month till I restart but with new subjects to keep my mind flowing like water knowledge is jkey and i want to know it all my religions class made me go off and read all these spiritual books and i have a better understanding of God and who I am and why Im here and i couldnt be happier about that i learn more each day gotta study KISSES!!

I think both are very important because without compassion theres no love and things should be fair always we are all equal yet some people buy new houses while some people cant eat or live on 50 cents a day this is ridiculous I always give 10% to  charity and i always have enough I think that is compassionate and fair. I think you gotta have love in your heart to show compassion and if you have compassion youll want to be fair  being fair is important because its a moral value and so is compassion

I am now finished two classes with As in them and i have one test left in one class ill surely get an A but right now I have an A in english but 200 points of assignments ive had weeks to do and slacked because of my accident its a lot of reading and writing I may get a B horrors since i busted my butt for As but i guess i should concentrate more on the hard class since its at 8 am monday i got a 6 page paper i havent started and an exam full of poetry i havent read needless to say im worried but i got really hurt 2 weeks ago and havent done much since my head starts to pound after too much reading i gotta get an mri soon hopefully im ok because i only have a month off school and im detoxing my methadone by next friday so ill be a little sick just pray for me that with my injury i can still finish what i started because i always quit in the middle well its the end so i gottaa get busy ill be back on zaadz for my breaks would love to chat so hit me up  KISSES!!!!!

I got real work to do but im so drained and all i want to do is play on zaadz and no one is here to play with im physically and mentally out of it i cant finish anything i start wont someone pleaase come talk to me

I never weote down what I want to do this year. I want to do things that feel good like donate to charity and volunteer at a womens shelter I believe im going to win the lottery and have fun giving the money away and  investing in my belief in myself and my creativity and healing with plants Im unblocking trapped energy and releasing it t the universe to create more room for positivity my life is not negative anymore so i gotta get rid of the negative to live the life i want I  manifest this for the highest good of all may it be Namaste

I was looking to join a scholarship and i found this huge playground of people and they really care about me and are helping me  go through my journey People are so cool here on zaadz and you meet so many people its way better then my space and i know those people Everyone I meet here has a kind word and takes the time to explain things to me. I love reading my friends blogs and getting to know how truly wonderful everyone is I use zaadz to vent to write and to exchhange information zaadz rocks

today I will study and not keep my computer on zaadz and keep checking my mail I will read A Midsummer Nights Dream and understand it I willl write my englkish paper so i hjave time to type it up tomorrow. I will study for my two tests over and over again until its ingrained in my memory and i dont have to worry about getting an A a B will do just fine I cant expect an A in every class I got 151% in World Religions ridiculous People wite back to me and let me have mail on my break so I can be content and feel loved have a blesssed day