I got a copy of the Gnostic Texts last night and I read it all. Inside i found that we are all one universal energy that connects and expands and in order to attain this you must look inside for the Truth and become one with All Wow I can not explain the fluttery feeling in my stomach as I strive to live in this perfectmoment and know that I have a purpose here on Earth and that I am a part of God all  is One you really can not explain it unless you get it. Our thoughts create our realities and we are all just one energy vibration. I couldnt grasp it and I am going slow with the meditating. it seems kind off scary to me  but I feel today like so happy everything is going according to plan and i just gotta enjoy the moment and comnnect with my Self so i can be part of the One.

That we are All One and that I have a purpose on this Earth and that is to heal people. I have been setting small goals for myself as not to get too far into the future and out of the Now. I am enjoying being in the present moment and am looking to talk to people about my recent experiences with living in the moment and being positive. I am trying to project that I am the light the light enfolds me.

I just feel like Im gonna explode how do you connect with your self? I need directions I keep thinking all one or present moment or get tthings done I wrote some spoken word while I was trying to stay in the present moment this is my first attempts but i want to play with the words and create something
The moment
I own it
It belongs to me
I am One you see
Yes it is true
You are One too
Divine Prescense is the essential Being
Of my manifestation of my reality
Give praiseto the Creator
Im a manifester
No thought
Just vibration
Im an intersteller
Earthdweller
I want to be a starseed
I want to spread seeds of light
Over the fertile ground
Because Im bound
Me
Being the Light

My addiction to drugs and alchohol, my addiction to thought. But i would not be the person I am now if I didnt go through this I wouldnt have found my true purpose which is helping people, healing people's minds and bodies and spirits

During my addiction most especially after Eric died from an overdose and I wasnt even using and his mom blamed me. I lost my mind. I  was out of control drinking and I was in rehab but I wasnt ready. I relapsed and was then in 5 or 6 psych wards. I tried to die twice in a week last summer and after my last stay I decided to wake up. Now Im trying to change other behaviors and its really hard but I believe because I have the desire to change I will:)

I am trying to stay in the present moment and let go of my thought like let it flow through me. This is really hard but Im more aware of my energy vibrating. In the present i am fine and dont think abouut the past and if I dont think about the future I wont worry. Ill be chanting I Am or I am the light or present moment or no thought its happening slowly but surely Im connecting with All That Is

Psychiatrically I feel messed up. All these emotions are flowing through me and Im rying to release them. I haave some disorders but cant find a doctor who will do sommething besides medicate me. I want to forget the  past and let go of resentment and be more conscious but Im having problems with doing that. My ego is huge and I feel my identity is the victim, the addict, the looney I dont know. I feel misunderstood and have felt that way all my life.

I drank last night because my ego took over and I wanted to be unconscious. I let my ego feed on anger and resentment and I dont know how to stop it. I try too let the thought slide but once Im mad its over. I have been doing good but the stress of moving, school, work, doctors, taking care of my mom and cousin(who is a junky). I feel the support here on Gaia but Im in a state of shock I guess. I dont know where this is going but Im trying again its a new day all I can do is try

I learned a major lesson about my behavior last night  and had a long talk with my psych. I have many behaviors I want to change so we are doing a behavioral self monitoring, he had some good idea. I felt like  he wasnt giving me  enough time but  he gave me over an hour  last night and it was icy out he stayed late. I really think no I know that he knows now Im after help not meds. This was all a relef for me. Imgetting little signs from the Universe again  and I know Im on the right track. Im pacing myself and just getting done what I can eaach day. My mom is no problem and I  already told my aunt I am not her caretaker. I clean the house and usually cook so my mom doesnt have to do it. But everything feels just right:)

That I am One with the Universe and that I need to chnge my behaviors. As soon as i decided this my little signs and omens came back and I stopped worrying. This happened last night and Im ssure my life is going to remain positive especially since I am learning to change my behaviors.

I love sunrises and sunsets, the clear blue water, the Creator, school, making candles and body care, helping my mom, being Self, the Light I see ahead of me.I love helping others and not telling them, paying it forward, when life feels this fulfilling, being off drugs and my dog Mollie to name a few oh and of course all you guys Happy Hearts Day

This was written by my friend Cactus its a song off the album BiggerThan it Really is. This band started out in Rainbow Gatherings and are so awesome www.granolafunk.com
"children of The City verse one by agent 23'
Yo we bust this for the kid's stumblin
Through the rumblin grumblin concree jungle gym
I sing hymns that sink deep into the platsic skin
Of the average American mannequin
these are the last days
And if we cant give praise
Then we go up in a blaze
with our minds in a maze
And the only way not to live a life thats worthless
Is to understand your tru purpose
You deserve this
So I serve this
Not on a silver platter
But on wax plates thats made to penetrate your brain matter
Of course
Its easy to get lost
in the chaos
But stay off the wrong path
And wisdom is the payoff
So take the day off
From your 9-5 job
Take a magical sabbatical and go find GOD
And applaud life
As a great adventure
With you at the center
The  one and only inventor
Of the world around you
Now I think you found You
Move the fuckin tangled web that your bound too
Now you take control
cause your the navigator
Listen to your soul
Give up to the Creator
Children of the city open up your eyes wide
speakin woith  a deepness straight to the tribe
Its a power of the fittest and we never gonna survive
Unless we understand the motive behind the drive
i also recommend the CD Self fulfilling Prophecy by Agent 23
www.granolafunk.com
myspace Granola funk music

I blocked out most of my cjhildhood except for the constant abuse but books were my escape from reality and I always read and ate. This was my addictive behavior and even when I found drugs I still read a lot. Thats why i can always reread my books.:) I read  mostly spiritual books right now ones that keep me in this moment

I have so much hell in my past and I have asked my parents and aunts and people but everyones story s different. I would ask a hynotist because I have some seriously repressed memories andd I eventally have to go to psyccchotherapy, but my doctor doesnt think Im ready yet because I just quit drugs and am stable in school. So hopefully over the summer I can start getting over and forgiving my first 10 years which were all abuse

I was told yesterday that my moms liver cancer is incurable and supposedly she has only 1-2 years to live. I feel some type of way and I have to talk to her doctor about herbal remedies I have found. Ive been emotional all day because I cant show it in front of her and Im thinking watching my mom dye would be worse then living in my addiction. I see why I got cleaned up and was available to be here for her. She doesnt know how long she has to live. I have a faith in plants and plant spirits and Im trying to get these ingredients for when shes done chemo. Im kinda in shock but am trying to be here now and think of other healings. Any suggestions?

and Ive known this all along. I felt the vibrations of the Universe and had manifested a whole wonderful almost perfect life. But I needed to learn more before I connected with Self and really got what I was doing and snce joining gaia Ive been able to do that. I dont know how its going to be really taking care of my mom she seems sicker. Of course i am trying herbal remedies I was taught. So I am optimistic,, not worried about the past and thinking of the future only in small stretches for school and work. Once I am out of my apt I will have more energy.

Yesterday i learned that I need to not resent people that have resentments,I have to teach the other person not to hold anger but more then that I need to not get upset with the person. I learned that if I dont do the meditations I wont connect to Self. I learned to be patient with those that normally cause irritation to me. I have learned to just do what i gotta do and not complain or feel resentment. i bing myself into the pesent.

Leaving the house of horror drugs and abuse to go stay with my dad and really get treated like a kid:)

When my ego takes over at any time I feel silly like I know better